Please and Appease

Going along to get along. 

Keeping the peace. 

Non-confrontational.

Easy going.

Placating.

Highly accommodating. 

Overly compliant.

These are all ways to describe the style of relating that some call people-pleasing.  Do any of those phrases resonate with you?  They do with me. 

How do you feel about noticing this in yourself?  Have you ever been curious about it?  Have you ever wondered why others can be disruptive, make waves, or speak their mind, but it just seems like you can't?  

I was masterful at diffusing conflict and keeping those around me pacified.  I knew how to de-escalate, deflect, distract with humor, and soothe.  I was so agreeable.   It kept the peace, mostly.  But it also caused me to silence my true voice and swallow my emotions.  I had an underdeveloped sense of self as my focus was on keeping others happy.  It was harmony at the cost of truth, at the cost of me.

People-pleasing causes an internal war that can create intense anxiety.

Underneath the behaviors, there are deep fears.  Fears of rejection, abandonment, of being unloved and unwanted; fears of conflict, disapproval, or of feeling unsafe.  Do you relate to any of those?

Was I born this way?  Why am I like this when others are not?

People pleasing comes from a trauma response that is developed in a child when they are trying to keep themselves safe.  Children know that they need an adult caregiver to provide for them, and they will adapt in any necessary way to get those needs met.  Some people fight or flee.  They demand or try to escape.  But those aren’t the only stress responses.   There is also fawn, known as please-and-appease.

If this describes you, you are not alone.  Many of us grew up being the “good” daughter or son.  The one who maintained peace in the home, as best we could, at all cost.  After many years of wishing I was different, I have learned to have compassion for how it formed in my life.  I have gratitude for the ways that I coped and adapted as a child.  However, as an adult, I do not need to continue those patterns of relating.  There is a healthier way.

Storywork takes you back into the very particular moments where this coping mechanism developed in your life.  It provides deep tenderness for the child who was trying to survive.  And it opens the door for healing to occur.  

Healing sounds like using your voice even if it is disruptive or creates a disagreement.  It feels like confidence in knowing your worth and your desires and courage in setting boundaries.  It feels like not being responsible for others’ emotions.  It means that you get to be fully you!

Do you want to get curious about how this style of relating formed in your life?  Let’s connect!