Naming Abuse
- erinandrich5
- Oct 9
- 3 min read
Did you know that 1 in 4 girls is a victim of childhood sexual abuse, according to the CDC. It is also, however, pretty widely understood that childhood sexual abuse is vastly under reported. The prevalence is horrifying. Not only that, but sexual abuse happens on a “continuum of severity" (Allender, 1995) and many women do not even realize that the harm they endured as a child was even considered sexual abuse. Despite the severity of the harm, ALL sexual abuse is damaging.
Whether you have identified your experience as abuse or not, the long term aftereffects are the same. Diane Langberg, who has nearly fifty years of experience working with survivors, identifies the effects of sexual abuse as: shame, self-blame, self-loathing, felt sense of innate badness, powerlessness, negative body image, fear in intimacy, longing for closeness, controlling, distrusting, overdependent, submissive, or rigid. How many women are suffering from the aftereffects, but do not even realize the cause?
Sexual abuse can be physical, psychological, visual, or verbal. Any interaction in which an adult uses a child for sexual stimulation is abuse. And while this does include forced or non-forced sexual touch (even if over clothing) and penetration (vaginal, anal or oral) by anyone older than the child or in a position of power, it also includes many types of non-touch interactions.
Sexual nicknames or joking, exposure to pornography, nudity, or provocative clothing (such as dad walking around in his underwear) are abusive. Inappropriate sexual attention or rigid control over appearance or sexuality is abuse. An adult who gets stimulated watching a child undress or bathe is abusing that child. And a final category is a parent who uses their child as an emotional surrogate spouse, thus exploiting the child for their own needs. While this may or may not include any of the above, the act of relationally “using” the child to get the adult’s needs met is abusive, even if those needs do not seem primarily sexual. A parent coming to a child for care, is a violation of role boundaries and therefore of a child’s sexuality.
As you can see, sexual abuse can be overt or quite covert. Leering looks from an uncle at family reunions that make you feel “creepy” are sexual violations. Your father peeking in the shower as you wash your adolescent body is a violation. Verbal comments by a grandfather about your developing body are violating. An intrusive interest by a parent in your sexual activity, menstration, or physical development is an invasion of boundaries.
Words that I often hear to describe behaviors that have not yet been named as abuse are “weird, creepy, icky, and perverted.” Did a creepy guy who lived next door ogle you as you walked to school? This is sexual victimization. You were violated.
It may be easier to dismiss it, shrug it off, and say that was a long time ago. It didn’t really affect me. It was just a look or a comment. And, while it may seem true that a knife wound is more deadly than a paper cut, the cumulative damage of a thousand paper cuts over time causes significant harm, especially if the perpetrator was someone that you relied on to take care of you. Minimizing your experiences may feel like the easiest option, but the wake of damage and debris in your life still looks the same. Naming the abuse is a part of the healing path. You don’t need to walk that path alone.
Allender, D. (1995b). The Wounded Heart. NavPress.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (n.d.). About child sexual abuse. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Child sexual abuse statistics. The National Center for Victims of Crime. (n.d.).
Langberg, D. M. (2013a). Counseling survivors of sexual abuse. Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.
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